In a recent Wall Street Journal article, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, Amy Chua discusses parts of her new and controversial book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. By the time I'd finished reading the first paragraph, complete with a list of things her daughters were NOT ALLOWED to do, including no sleepovers or play dates; no school plays or complaining about not being in one; not being allowed to choose extracurricular activities; and not getting a grade less than an A in all academic subjects, I was ready to fire off a scathing comment replete with phrases like child abuse and needing to be sent back to the mommy farm. Then, an image of my dapper, Yale educated grandfather came to mind as he perused my 5th grade report card and exclaimed, "Well dear...if you can get an A- in math you should be able to get an A!" He made no comment at all about any other grade...all of which were A's. That image of my own tiger grandpa gave me some instant insight into Amy Chua's point of view. You see, although I was sad that he didn't seem to be impressed, I didn't expire on the spot. I knew he loved me. And, I never forgot that conversation. There really was no reason for me not to have gotten an A. So, why am I so conflicted with her vision of effective parenting?

Follow up:

Experts agree that there is evidence to validate tiger mama methods. Just as muscle memory eventually takes over when a dance combination, piano concerto, or fast ball is practiced consistently; continued repetition of drills of math facts, spelling, and scientific equations will eventually always produce the right answer leaving the brain available for learning new concepts or applying those already learned in new ways. And, while I can't imagine ever telling a child that the birthday card they made for me wasn't good enough, there is also a piece of me that acknowledges the fact that American children are too coddled and that many of us don't expect enough from them. Sitting at the kitchen table helping an exhausted child in the middle of a meltdown finish their homework is no fun! Perhaps that's the reason too many of us have thrown up our hands in exasperation and fired off a note to the teacher complaining of excessive homework. Perhaps that's the reason we don't voluntarily add hours of drill for an already overloaded child. On that point, Ms. Chua may be right when she declares that a child who is less than perfect reflects less than perfect parental effort in their upbringing.

The argument made by Ms. Chua is that mama knows best. It is her belief that insisting on academic excellence from her children when they are children and instilling in them a fiece sense of discipline will give them the opportunity to do whatever they choose to do as adults. I cannot necessarily find any fault with this logic. In fact, I recognize that there is some tiger mama in me...and I suspect all Western mothers. The difference is in how we choose to exercise that level of intensity which Ms. Chua focused on academics and music. How many of us have insisted on throwing a ball for hours because our child needed to practice catching? How many of us have berated a child for allowing a goal? How many of us have signed a child up for private lessons in whatever so that they can be better than their peers? Western mothers love their children as fiercely as any Asian mother. We believe that our children are capable of achieving anything as deeply as Asian mothers do and many of us invest hours in helping our children achieve their goals regardless if that's to be starting quarterback; soloist at their dance studio; or valedictorian. The key phrase here being their goals. Western mothers may be very preoccupied with the touchy/feely aspect of child rearing in that we allow our children to decide the focus of their effort...but once that is done, many of us are every bit as aggressive in "helping" them be the best.

So what is the answer? Arguably US students are not performing up to potential nor are they performing any where near the level of their Asian counterparts. This has to be addressed. But full-fledged academic tiger mama-isms is not the answer either. Children will rise to our expectations but we need to take care that we don't burn the love of learning out of them. I for one would rather have a child that is academically and socially confident; full of curiosity and a zest for learning that will last them a lifetime; and who is self-confident enough to try, to fail and then try again. I worry about the child raised by a true tiger mama. No amount of mama's love and confidence can guarantee that they will always find success. We cannot all excel at everything we attempt. What will happen to them; how will they cope the first time they fail? As my grandfather said, if you can get an A-, you can get an A. We need to expect excellence, but not at the expense of spirit.